It might seem strange to link dying poinsettias to the topics of counselling and mental health, but it relates to a subject I bring up frequently in therapy sessions: impermanence.

What Is Impermanence?

We hear this term occasionally and it’s just as it sounds, that which is “not permanent” or “transient,” according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.  It’s a condition that’s around us all the time, permeating every aspect of our life.  Everything around us in a state of flux and change constantly.  Most of us prefer not to think about this.

Our Drive for Security

Instead we like to think about things that foster an illusion of safety, security and permanence. Family, friends, our home, a car.  Sometimes we get into projects that are so engrossing, they’re almost timeless, or if we master a particular skill we might even feel invincible.

Is Security Bad?

Before you conclude that this is an article about living without ‘emotional props,’ and taking all manner of personal and psychological risks, that is not my intention.  We’re human beings after all, and it’s the connection and interdependence with others which makes us so.  But when we attach to something like it’s never going to end, be it a relationship, object, role or skill, we’re in for a rough ride emotionally because things do end. Cars break down, technology becomes obsolete, people die, bodies wear out. Wow, this is sounding pretty grim…but wait.

Benefits of Change

It may be inconceivable that change could help us.  Here are some points:

• Nothing lasts forever, not even horrible things. We learn that no situation is static; even bad situations and conditions change eventually.
• When things change we have the opportunity to learn and grow as people. We become flexible, adaptable, stronger than we thought possible. We don’t realize our potential until we’re challenged.
• Gratitude increases. We appreciate people, moments and even things more when we realize life’s fragility. For example, many of us spend increased time with loved ones when we know their health his failing. We take time off work to catch a child’s ballet recital knowing that not only is our support invaluable to the child but also recognizing that these exact moments do not come again.
• Increased peace. When we can be still within ourselves as the waves of change roll through and around us we can understand that inner stillness and outer chaos can coexist.  We do not have to make the ‘outer’, ‘inner’ and the inner can come from a place of recognizing and accepting that change is the natural state of things.
• Seeing things in a new light. Recognizing change is like thinking outside of the box, in a world where security is everything. When we stretch ourselves psychologically, spiritually–making ourselves just slightly uncomfortable–we feel the increased internal resiliency that comes from doing so and from blazing our own trail.

Before I completed this article, I came to work and noticed that the poinsettia was gone. I felt a little sad, assuming that it is in a landfill somewhere. But then I thought, maybe it has found a place again, eventually becoming compost and bringing forth new life once again.

Emily’s Story

Emily made the decision that Christmas 2011 was going to be different.  She was going to be organized.  She would start her shopping in September, keeping her eye open for treasures whenever she was out and about.  She would start her Christmas cakes on the Remembrance Day Weekend so they had ample time to cure before she gifted them in December.  On the first weekend in December she would start her holiday cards, almost 200, because she liked to receive them as much as she liked to send them.  She took special delight in the thought of hand-embossing them all.  Similarly, she would ensure that as many gifts as possible were homemade or ethically sourced but would do whatever it took to get her son Mark the highest rated toy of the year, even if it meant lining up outside the store at 5:00 AM on the day of its release; taking a chance and disappointing a child on Christmas was so bad, it was almost evil.

Having the right tree may just be the highlight of her year so it had to be right: wouldn’t it be a better experience for the family if they could select and cut down the tree themselves, even it came from an (organic) Christmas tree farm?  Wouldn’t it be wonderful, as an offering to her extended family, to handle Christmas dinner singlehandedly, but having most, if not all of it, prepared in advance so that Christmas Day would be a breeze?  All her wrapping would be done a week before so that she would be at peace on Christmas day, able to enjoy her family and her seasonally decorated home.

A recipe for holiday heaven or holiday hell?  Fortunately, most of us don’t apply as much internal pressure as Emily does, but it’s not difficult to find elements of Emily’s story in ourselves.  This in itself is not bad, however.  It’s when this pressure extends to perfectionism that we often find ourselves in hot water.

Perfectionism: What is it?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines perfectionism “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.” Wikipedia adds that it is “a belief that a state of  completeness and flawlessness can and should be attained.” Perfection varies from person to person but typically constitutes an internal set of standards that the individual has set for him or herself, shaped by life experiences.

Perfectionism Checklist

Symptoms include:

• Intense judgement of self or others
• Chronic feelings of dissatisfaction, failure, inadequacy or depressed mood
• Worry and/or obsessional thoughts
• Stress-related physical complaints such as headaches, stomachaches and sleeping problems
• Anxiety or panic

Perfectionism, Meet Holidays

So what happens when a perfectionistic attitude gets together with the holiday season? Societal pressures often dictate that holidays should be a time of togetherness, relaxation, ease and time with loved ones that is free of conflict; yet on the other hand, certain standards should be met:  traditions honoured, people pleased, self pleased (e.g. I must be happy), standards met.  This creates internal conflict: how do I do it all, not get stressed out and love every minute of it?  Well, we don’t. Or we modify.

But while modification may be a sensible solution, it’s not always easy.  It may involve changing our standards, doing things differently, taking shortcuts, getting more rest or disappointing people.  We may then question who we are on a deeper level and if we have the belief that “we are what we do,” or that our self-worth is measured by others’ opinions of us, then this can be more than just a little uncomfortable.

We Can Change

Even though it’s potentially painful, we can choose to do things differently. Part of the key in making this happen is to be kind to ourselves through this transition.  This may include things like getting support from a friend, writing down our thoughts or practicing accepting them and letting them come and go naturally (mindfulness, meditation).  With practice and commitment, this will improve.

Holiday Anti-Perfection Tips

In 2009 I wrote the article, Surviving The Holiday Season where I touch on perfectionism and pressure during the holidays, including possible antidotes such as:

• Try a potluck meal, instead of doing all the cooking.
• Go in on a group gift or draw names.
• Give yourself space to rest, even if it means certain things can’t be accomplished.
• Don’t spread yourself too thin: focus on spending time with people who mean the most to you.
• Focus on time spent together, letting go of the “ideal togetherness activity.” Much time can be wasted and stress induced trying to do the perfect thing together.
• Stay on budget: you’ll be much happier come January.
• Find joy and gratitude in simple things, such as learning to make a paper crane or relishing a favourite cookie.
• Let go of judgment and opinions about how your time should go. Roll with things, flexing when conditions dictate and taking action when needed.  It’s a lot of pressure and a recipe for futility to try to control others and certain situations.
• Self Care: treat yourself kindly and be good to yourself, even in small ways.  What a great way to start the New Year!

It seems like such a cliche that it’s almost tempting to write off this advice as overrated, but I think it’s important enough to go back to now and again.

What is Consistency in Parenting?

Dictionary.com defines the practice of consistency as “steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.” while the Myriam Webster Dictionary states that the practice involves a “harmony of conduct or practice with profession.”  For our purposes, I would equate “parenthood” and “profession.”

In other words, we need to mean what we say and it has to “make sense” to both child and parent in the context of reasonable parenting. Note: I mention child and parent.

It’s difficult to follow through on something that, when you get down to it, is actually unreasonable for the child or unrealistic to enforce for the parent.  And, each family is different when it comes to how to gauge this.  We all have different needs.  For example:

Family A: Child is highly reactive to sugar.

Child: “Mum, just one more Hallowe’en candy!?”

Parent: “We need to stick with one a day so that we can keep getting along with one another.”

Family B:  Parents wish to avoid dealing with a protracted Hallowe’en stash.

Child: “Dad, could I have another Hallowe’en candy?”

Parent: “You’ve reached your limit of three a day.  You can have three more tomorrow.”

Why Do It?

Being consistent in our parenting decisions is perhaps one of the biggest anxiety reducers that we have available to us.  And it’s anxiety reducing for both children and parents. Why?

• Over time, children learn what to expect, where the boundaries are; this fosters feelings of emotional safety and security.
• Parents and the family as a whole benefit from the increased harmony that comes with everyone knowing where the limits are.
• Avoids tantrums in the long-term, although not necessarily right away (especially if the child has grown accustomed to variability in parenting response).
• Promotes prosocial behaviour in children because they have a “secure base” to try new things.

Why We Don’t Do It

We know why parenting with consistency is good to do, but why do many of us stumble?

• Family background.  Things about the way we were raised which are influencing our parenting decisions today. For example, we may have been raised by very strict parents who offered little latitude when it came to our choices as children.  We decide to be freer with our children, maybe even spoiling them.
• We feel bad (guilty).  This can especially arise when we’ve enforced a limit that is actually unreasonable.  For example, “If you don’t brush your teeth this morning, there will be no sugar in your diet for the next month!” vs. “If you choose not to brush your teeth today, I can’t allow you to have any sugary snacks today.” Parent follows through after child declines to cooperate.
• We feel bad (guilty).  We think that seeing our child cry when we’ve been consistent is somehow unhealthy for the child or we feel like we “made” our child cry.  Crying is an emotional release and is part of the child’s process of coming to terms with the limit you’ve set. The crying may, however, be being used by the child to try to get you to change your mind, especially if that technique has worked before.
• Circumstances. Sometimes things change and there’s nothing we can do about it. For example, routines have to sometimes be broken because of illness or something no longer seems like a good idea. If you change your mind, do so early on, to minimize the child’s belief that he or she got the desired result from a tantrum or protracted protest.

Tips For How to Do It

• Avoid empty threats.  Children can see through these and when you can’t follow through, your credibility is undermined.
• Avoid moralizing – being consistent is far less complicated when we leave out the sermon.
• Keep it Simple – Less is more.  Leading your 3 year-old child back to her bed every time she jumps out of it sends the message that you mean business; arguing with her tells her that you are willing to engage in a debate.
• Set standards that are workable, limits that you can live with an enforce consistently.
• Be aware of how unresolved issues and past experiences, particularly childhood ones, influence parenting decisions.  If these “ghosts from the past” continue to have you in an emotional stronghold, counselling can be helpful in working through these issues, increasing our awareness and coming up with practical alternatives.

What Is It?

Letting go is a topic that comes up frequently in counseling sessions.  The most common question I receive is “What does it mean, exactly?” or the comment, “That’s easier said than done.”

I like to think that there are two forms of letting go that are not distinct but rather, interrelated.

‘Physical’ Letting Go

“Each possession I own is but a stone around my neck.” – Albert Einstein

Letting go of our belongings or possessions.  Also known as “simplifying,” “living simply,” “decluttering,” “downsizing,” “thrifting,” “reducing our footprint,” etc.  Deciding what objects, conditions, situations or experiences are no longer useful, are no longer benefitting us, or are complicating our lives.

‘Mental’ Letting Go

The mental ‘attachments’ or emotional glue that we have to things like:

• Our feelings / emotions
• Conditions / situations
• Beliefs about ourselves and others
• Opinions and judgments

Why Let Go?

Emotional and physical attachments are by nature rigid and inflexible.  The more we hold on, the more we suffer.  It can be a liberating insight when we realize that the choices that we make when it comes to what we do with our mind–how we perceive things, situations–has a direct effect on how much we suffer.  Letting go is an important step towards freeing ourselves up mentally and emotionally.

How To Do It

Letting go is simple in theory, but often difficult in practice.  It takes work to break ourselves out of old habits, old routes that our minds go down in response to familiar scenarios.  But any healthy act which allows us to reverse these learned tendencies can help us to do just that.

Even giving away possessions can be hard, particularly if we feel sentimental about something or have fears that we may need it again in future.

But letting go can be done!  And, it’s a personal thing.  There is no one size fits all and every personal situation is unique. Things I have tried or things clients have shared include:

• Practicing meditation
• Yoga
• Relaxation and breathing techniques
• Exercise, often solitary physical pursuits such as walking or running
• Cognitive restructuring (challenging negative thinking habits/patterns)
• Practicing mindfulness: consciously doing one thing at a time, being aware of what one is doing, living ‘in the moment.’
• When the mind is wandering, brining it back to what one is doing in the present moment. This could include mentally returning to washing the dishes or even refocusing one’s attention on a television show. We often need to do this over and over throughout the day!
• Singing, chanting, music
• Visualization, imagery
• Being active
• Spending quiet time with a pet / companion animal
• Being in nature
• Engaging in a religious or spiritual practice
• Participating in a ceremony
• Talking to a trusted friend
• Saying goodbye
• Asking for help
• Being kind to oneself

The opportunities are numerous: whatever is non-harmful to oneself or others and which helps us to move beyond what is bothering us. Change and growth is possible!

Most of my friends know that I’ve always struggled to clean up and my family does too.  Even some of the clients whom I have counselled over the years found out; I’ve always been open about my humanity!

As the title suggests, I was recently in a position where I needed to get my home sold and in order to make this happen; frankly, I needed to clear the clutter.  This major event in my life caused me to pose a few general questions to myself about clutter, housework, motivation and personality.

A Series of Questions

Is Messiness a Problem?

This is an interesting question.  Over the years my response has ranged from strong self-judgement to a form of pride around being able to let go of perfection when it comes to my home.  I’ve read books about the value of de-cluttering and organization and others shunning and questioning this practice, and now, industry.  I’ve had moments of joy, putting other priorities in front of housework and moments of frustration when I’m running out the door and can’t find a critical thing.

Is Messiness a Personality Characteristic?

We certainly act like it in our society.  We’ve all probably used expressions like “she’s a messy person” ,”I’m neat”, “He’s a tidy person.”  It would also seem that people can habitually stick to a certain “style” over the years although there are also a number of people who are “in between,” with “lived in” homes where things are generally in their place.

Does Messiness Compromise Mental Health?

There’s been a little more buzz around this lately as psychology has embraced principles from Eastern religions and meditation in general.  It’s not uncommon for people to say, “that’s very zen,” when describing a space for that matter.  But it goes deeper than this: does our environment play a role in our general level of peacefulness?  Do our surroundings affect our general level of wellbeing?  There has also been growing attention to the phenomenon of hoarding, or extreme clutter, and its mental health effects, not to mention practical concerns that hoarding can produce, such as increasing the risk around house fires.

Is Messiness Circumstantial?

Can we be flexible in our tidiness, selectively choosing to do housework sometimes and not others?  Do certain situations lend themselves better to tidiness?  Most of us have heard the phrase, “I only clean up when I’m having people over.”

Does Messiness Have Roots in Childhood?

Does upbringing play a role in our approach to domestic chores?  Do the messages we received as children influence what we do as adults?

Is Messiness Changeable?

Is a messy person doomed to a life of messiness?  This is similar to the question about personality and whether or not this is a stable characteristic.

Is Tidiness Realistic?

It’s common to hear clutter organization books and experts extoll the ease which orderliness can be adopted and integrated easily in one’s life while others have written that to keep up with a home, not to mention the time investment of setting up the infrastructure to support it, takes so much time that other priorities (relaxation, childcare etc.) would be ignored. An analogy might be to compare housework to dieting: can housework be maintained on a long-term basis?

Some Thoughts…

Motivation

My opinions here will not be shared by all, and reflect my experience.  My overarching feeling about my recent clean-up initiative is that motivation has everything to do with effort.  Historically, I have always prided myself on keeping a neat and tidy counselling space.  Why in this context?  Because my clients’ comfort and experience of security are both so important to me.  My vision for my office is an oasis of sorts, a port in the storm where people can come and speak about whatever needs to be spoken and physical environments can play a big part in facilitating this (or not).

Freedom

With a home, there’s not quite so much pressure, although the benefits, as I’ve learned can be just as powerful.  When I was purely cleaning up to receive company, this was a temporary situation.  Once the company left, where was the motivation?  Selling my home really lit a fire under me: the house had to be ready for a certain time period.

It would be a realistic question to ask “and then once the home is sold? Then what?”  For me, one of the interesting things about selling is the necessity of getting rid of belongings.  The feeling of emancipation that comes with saying good-bye to a quarter to one third of one’s household items is incredible (and highly recommended!).  With less things, it is easier to clean up and the spacious feeling of my environment was the seed of my newfound motivation.

Potential

What I also gleaned from this experience is that labels (“clean” “tidy”), personality, history, only limit us if we let them.  One of the most joyful things that I find about counselling, is seeing others’ ability to change.  I see this over and over again.  And…if I were to choose not to see this potential and ability in myself, how then would I ever recognize it in others?  Bravo to change, letting go and new beginnings!

I must admit my biases before I begin.  While I spent a decade and a half working for and with others, I no longer do.  I’m now joyfully self-employed. So, I make my comments from a different vantage point now.  Yet, it’s an issue I remember well.

What is a difficult Co-Worker?

I used to have a theory that wherever you work, there is always that one co-worker that really stands out; that person planted there, through some kind of divine placement, designed to help us to grow as a person.  Well, it may not be that deliberate, but sometimes it feels that way.

Difficult co-workers can be anyone we work with that triggers distress for us, in any level of authority. Problem colleagues may challenge us both consciously (in ways we are aware of), and subconsciously (in ways beneath our awareness).  Here are some examples:

Staff Meeting

Conscious Thoughts

“He’s always dominating the meeting. He’s so controlling.”

Unconscious Thoughts

“He’s just like my father.”

Reports to You

Conscious Thoughts

“Can’t she just work independently for once?! She’s coming to me with every little thing!”

Unconscious Thoughts

“Her neediness triggers the needy traits within me that I hate so much.”

Supervising You

Conscious Thoughts

“He’s always breathing down my neck, monitoring every little thing!”

Unconscious Thoughts

“I can’t stand being scrutinized, just like my ex did to me!”

Conscious thoughts can be difficult: sometimes they dominate our mental space and we ruminate.  Troublesome thoughts can be relentless; we get caught in a loop or dialogue inside our head that’s difficult to break out of. It’s the unconscious thoughts, however  that have the potential to create the most havoc with our psyche: it’s hard to address a problem that we can’t see.

Common Workplace Conflicts

What is a conflict to one person may be nothing to another, although some situations are more common than others.  These include:

• When our authority is threatened or questioned
• When our autonomy is threatened, diluted or removed
• Change in the working conditions/job description, particularly if you have no say in the process
• Personality clashes
• When we feel unappreciated or unfairly compensated
• When we feel unsupported
• When we feel disrespected
• When workload demands are too high or are unreasonable
• When we are understimulated or underchallenged
• Communication problems

Other factors which enhance conflict

These include feeling: hungry and tired, having personal problems outside of the work situation and difficulty with alcohol or drugs.

How To Deal…Some Tips

Practice Mindfulness: This is the foundation for responding sanely and consciously to others. If we know what is going on inside our mind and body, we can make and informed decision about how we want to deal with the situation we are in.

Be Aware: notice your thoughts and feelings coming and going. Don’t grab hold of them, don’t push them away. Notice thoughts, feelings and body sensations.  For example, this may look like: “I can feel that my brow has become all knitted up. I’m having worried thoughts about how to get my work done for the deadline that my boss has given me. I’m also worried about how she will react if I don’t meet that deadline. I’m actually feeling kind of panicked.”

Be Present: If you’re writing a report, keep bringing your mind back, over and over, to writing the report.

Active Listening: While this topic is an article in itself, highlights include reflecting back what you have just heard, staying focused in the present and on the presenting issue, choosing an appropriate time and space for listening and using “I” statements when needing to express yourself.

Be Assertive: Again, an article of its own. This includes healthy psychological boundaries, describing behaviour (as opposed to personal attacks) and stating what you need in positive terms.

Be Practical: While it’s never a good idea to “run away” from problems, sometimes a change is in order. Maybe feelings of obligation are tying you to a job which is stunting your career and your happiness. Maybe you crave stability and are fearful of making a change that could take you to new heights. Maybe you have a toxic boss or a workplace bully and you need to get out of the situation, for your own mental health.  There are many valid reasons for finding new work.

My first question was to ask myself what my definition of a holiday was; there are many possible interpretations of a vacation, many very valid.

For me, I decided that the most important thing for me about experiencing a vacation is tolet go.  By this I mean to let go of the things that tie me to the stress and frenetic pace of daily life; counsellors, despite their professional training, are not immune to this!  I also needed to do something pretty practical and tangible because that is the type of person I am.

A Plan

So I decided to get specific and venture into the “great unknown.”  I decided to unplug.  No cell phone. No emails (work or personal). No Internet.  I asked myself whether I was crazy to attempt this.  Would I start jonesing from a lack of technology?

Doubts

I had a few concerns:

• Would I miss connecting with others?
• What would people think if they didn’t get an email response from me? (I’m a conscientious person)
• Would I get bored?
• How would I get information that I was used to accessing on the Internet?

Answering My Questions

I had anticipated an acute state of withdrawal.  I’ve always felt that I work too much on my computer.  But something strange happened: I felt lighter, relieved, unburdened, delighted.

Did I miss connecting with others?  Yes, but I re-evaluated the extent I need to do so.  I don’t have to spend excess time on Facebook or Twitter. Small, targeted, purposeful time periods are enough for me.  For the time being, I’ve reduced my social networking by at least 50%.

I had a lot of messages in my inboxes when I came back from holidays.  This was a little overwhelming!  And there were people whom I never connected with professionally because of the time lag in returning their email or phone messages.

Did I get bored?  Surprisingly no!  Instead I:

• Appreciated the peaceful setting where I was vacationing
• Picked up a hobby that I had previously abandoned for 2 years
• Spent more quality time with my family where I was more mentally present
• Found more time for doing other things I previously didn’t feel I had time for, realizing what a time waster that technology can be.
• Meditated more

For the most part, I had to give up my desire for instant information.  For example, I made cinnamon buns and wanted to make a glaze.  But how?  I had no recipe and no icing sugar.  I remember hearing once that cornstarch and granulated sugar could be combined in such a way to make homemade icing sugar.  But what were the proportions?  My was a stab in the dark which sort-of-not-exactly worked out.  I got creative and suggested that it would make a better “dipping sauce” for the buns, just in case it wasn’t to everyone’s taste.

I cheated twice, using someone else’s computer for 5-10 minutes to deal with two urgent situations.  Yes, life isn’t perfect.

I do need to say that I appreciate technology even more since my “cleanse.”  It’s useful, but I don’t want it to control me.  I want to consciously choose when I use it, and for the right reasons.  My peace of mind depends on it.

One of my favourite subjects is counselling. Probably an obvious point, since I’m a counsellor. I live the experience with my clients and I believe in it. Counselling works. I’ve seen this over and over with my own eyes and research backs this up as well. And it’s not just seeing the results in others, but the benefit that I’ve received from counselling over the years.

As a “proactive” type of personality, I like to touch base with a therapist when the need arises in my life. I’m very much a believer of the “counselling when you need it” approach vs. a “counselling for life” approach. Counselling when you need it may mean seeing a therapist once in your life or multiple periods over the span of a lifetime. Each person’s needs are different. So, I found myself in the mental space recently where I thought that an objective, professional perspective would be helpful.

First Steps

The hardest thing besides making the call is making the commitment to make the call. There is a self-evaluation that goes on: do I need counselling? What does “need” mean? Do I need to reach a certain threshold before this is legitimate? Can I communicate what I want to say in a way that will be understood?

Then there’s the counsellor. Will I like him or her? Will it be a good fit? Can they actually help me with my situation? Before the call is made, the therapy has already begun! This is a good thing! And then there’s the call itself: was it difficult? Relaxed? Something else? Ideally we feel at ease with the counsellor we speak with or if we’re nervous, we feel that at least there’s a respect for where we’re at. This can be a very difficult part of the process as it’s a time of vulnerability. What often does not get mentioned is that asking to meet with a therapist is significantly more difficult than trying to handle things solo.

We Meet

How does it feel to be counselled? This is a highly individual process and my experience is uniquely my own.

One of the first things that came up for me was the realization that I had to be responsible. I had to:

• Discuss what brought me for counselling
• Decide what I wanted to talk about
• Decide where I wanted to go
• Decide, with help from the therapist, how I was going to get there

These are not easy things to do!

Was I able to do these things? Let’s see:

• Discuss what brought me for counselling: To a certain extent. What made it hard to identify a particular trigger for counselling was the fact that it had been almost three weeks since I made my appointment. It was, however a good reminder that it’s good to spend some time thinking about what has prompted you to come in before your appointment.
• Decide what I wanted to talk about: Yes I did and it was difficult at times to articulate this clearly! My conclusion here is pure intuition: I think the the ability to express yourself clearly is related, to a large extent, on whether you feel a good connection with your counsellor. Is it a good therapeutic fit?

• Decide where I wanted to go: I had an idea of this coming in because I’d thought about it off beforehand. Sometimes additional time to let things “settle” is not such a bad thing. We’re often capable of generating more solutions and options than we think. And this is not to say that timely access to a therapist is unimportant. If it’s possible it can be a significant benefit to do so: there can be a greater sense of immediacy and an ability to more accurately describe current thoughts, feelings and associated situations.
• Decide, with help from the therapist, how I was going to get there: In my case, the counsellor provided the feedback that my situation was as it needed to be. Was there anything to do? Maybe, maybe not. I left feeling a little muddled. Sometimes life isn’t that clear. There’s more than one way up the mountain.

Afterwards

Perhaps the most interesting part of the experience was the time after the appointment was over. I asked myself:

• How am I feeling? Slightly perplexed, slightly disappointed. I wanted something more, but what?

• What helped? Having feelings normalized; getting an outside perspective; hearing other ideas

• What did I learn? Overall, a renewed appreciation for the experience of being a client, even if it is just my own experience. I’m reminded how nerve-wracking it can be to make the call and to come in for the first meeting! The importance of thinking things through before a first appointment also stood out. Last, the therapeutic fit is critical. A less than ideal fit can sometimes be transformed as therapy progresses, but research shows that if this is not rectified early on, clients drop out.

I wholeheartedly encourage anyone who is searching for a therapist to find a counsellor that they get along with. If you can’t try someone else! You should, at minimum, be able to talk to the therapist before booking a first session.

Would I go for counselling again? Yes, most definitely! I believe in it! If I didn’t, I couldn’t do the work I do. Would it be with the same therapist? Probably not but that’s OK. Anything and anyone can teach, as long as we’re willing to learn.

My personal belief is that you get out of counselling what you put into it.  Sometimes, however it isn’t exactly clear to people what they could do that would help.  Counselling and therapy has traditionally been a somewhat mysterious process!

Here are my top tips for getting the most out of your therapy experience:

1. Ask Yourself: “Am I ready for counselling?” One way of answering this question is to decide whether you actually want counselling.  If you can say yes to this, it’s a good start.  Counselling tends to work best when you are attending voluntarily and when you are an active participant in the process.  If you’re going to therapy to please a family member, employer or government agency, you’re likely to be less engaged in the process. Also, seeing a purpose for getting involved in counselling is important.
2. Don’t underestimate the power and value of the therapeutic relationship. In other words, choose a counsellor or therapist that you feel you can talk and relate to.  Choosing a therapist solely according to his or her credentials can be a disappointment.  The research on therapy demonstrates consistently that the rapport and compatibility that you have with your therapist is the number one factor in determining whether or not therapy will help you.  There are many types of people and personalities in the world.  Counsellors are no different!
3. Think about what you want to talk about before you come in for your appointment. This ensures that the session is spent in a way that’s most relevant to your needs and situation.  You identify what the priority for discussion is.  After all, the purpose of counselling is to best help you!
4. Arrive on time. A basic but often overlooked point.  A typical “therapy hour” is 50 minutes. If you’re ten minutes late and time also has to be reserved at the end of the session for making another appointment and payment, you have just over half an hour left in your session.  It can be frustrating to leave a session feeling that what you came in to talk about had not been fully expressed or addressed.
5. Take notes. While not everyone’s cup of tea, writing things down increases one’s ability to remember the salient parts of the session, including any homework.  Some people find it best to take notes as the session progresses, others like find a quiet spot to write just after their session is over.  Another approach is to journal about your session at various times during the week.
6. Ask questions. This increases your participation in the therapy process and sharpens the focus of the session.  It’s also always good to clarify anything that your counsellor has said that you don’t understand or are puzzled about.
7. Ask for homework or participate in the homework suggested to you. Typically, it is the clients who are able to continue their therapy outside of the therapy office that make the greatest gains in counselling.  There is nothing like real life practice to solidify the the opportunities for growth and change that you have been discussing in therapy.
8. Provide feedback to the therapist. All therapists should be open to this: choose one who is.  If the counsellor is helping you in a particular way, let he or she know so they can do more of the same.  But even more important, if a direction in therapy is being suggested that seems irrelevant to you, let the counsellor know—otherwise this is a waste of your time.  You may even feel hurt and misunderstood if this goes unchecked.  It’s also very important to check-in with your therapist if he or she has said something that has offended you, hurt you or made you angry.  If this discussion is handled well by the therapist, the therapeutic relationship you have with your counsellor will be more fulfilling.
9. Have your payment ready at the end of your session. This will help both you and the counsellor feel less rushed, allowing for a much more relaxed good-bye.  There is something to be said about ending a session in a peaceful fashion; we can then attempt to carry this sentiment throughout the day.
10. Treat the therapy process as important. Be mindful about who you share details of your session with.  Friends and family are frequently quick to give their opinions without the background information that you and your therapist know so well.  Others’ points of view may confuse or distress you, especially if you are addressing an issue in a particular way with your therapist.

Therapy can be a wonderful, life-altering experience!  It’s important to treat it like an investment: your participation is a key part of this process.

If you would like to discuss the prospect of counselling further, I welcome you to call or email me!

• Cognitive Restructuring – Challenging thinking patterns which feed anxiety and/or depression and replacing them with realistic thoughts about your situation
• Alternative Perspectives –Learning new ways of thinking about and conceptualizing your difficulties
• Self-Refection – Increasing your awareness with regard to your own thoughts, feelings and behaviours about your situation: In order to change, we first need to identify the targets for change
• Behavioural Techniques – Learning specific actions you can take to manage your anxiety and/or your mood.  A common scenario would be learning techniques that you can apply in the moment to help reduce or eliminate panic attacks.  Therapy also includes follow through with regard to your progress, and making adjustments to the therapeutic plan as needed.
• Graduated Exposure – rating the situations that make you anxious, from lowest to highest.  And then starting by facing the ones that make you least anxious while at the same time learning relaxation strategies (see below)
• Relaxation Strategies to regulate your anxiety and manage your mood
• Lifestyle Considerations – regulating your general stress level: choosing healthy outlets which relieve anxiety and boost your mood, such as exercise, sleep, emotional support, prioritizing decisions and commitments.  For those that want to minimize the effects of alcohol, caffeine, smoking and other drug use, we look at these factors too.
• Homework – testing the situations that make you anxious or trigger mood changes “in the field” outside of the office; taking notes, measuring results, etc.  I often approach homework as an “experiment” to help you to determine whether the interventions are working for you.

An important aspect of the therapy is continuing with it between sessions.  Not only do you get more value for your “therapeutic dollar,” you test what strategies are working and which ones are less successful, allowing us to streamline the therapeutic approach to meet your needs.