Occasionally people are surprised when I ask what they want out of counselling, telling me that they’re keeping an open mind and will wait and see what evolves.

Most of us enter therapy with some idea of what we would like to see different in our lives.  This is great and shows engagement in the counselling process.

I have a habit of declaring what my articles are not about before getting into the meat and potatoes of what I want to talk about.  In reflecting on this, it’s my attempt to clear away any preconceptions or assumptions that the reader may make about what I’m trying to say before I actually say it.  Since this article is about assumptions, it seems relevant to bring this up!

Show Me Some Attitude

So in that spirit, this article is not about the excellent personal goals that clients come for help with, things like bettering relationships, improving self-esteem and eliminating anxiety.  Instead I’m writing about the attitudes that many of us bring to the start of therapy.

Because people are so diverse, I rarely see one person who expresses every idea that I’m going to talk about and I’ll sometimes meet other clients who don’t espouse any.

The thing I like about these assumptions is that many of them are not clearly true or false. It can, however be useful to be aware of them.

1. The Magic Fairy Dust

Maybe you’ve suffered for a long time before coming for counselling.  In my experience, most people try to solve their problems as independently as possible.  Many make an appointment after feeling stuck and frustrated that they are no longer getting anywhere alone. After all this, it’s normal and natural to want counselling to be an instant solution.

Then comes the wish: if the therapist can “work their magic,” all will be well and it will happen almost instantaneously.  But here is the clincher: change is generated by the client, not the therapist. The counselor guides, offers important information, and facilitates the release of client potential.  The client does the work and reaps the satisfaction that comes from this.

2. Argh, Not My Life Story!

Many people worry that the counsellor is going to ask every detail of your life, starting from your experience in the womb.  Fortunately this fear is largely unfounded.  What a counsellor does need to know is what has brought you to counselling in the first place.  

The first appointment is often referred to as an assessment or initial consultation.  Without providing some background or context for the issue that you’re seeking therapy for, the therapist is unable to know your situation, will not be able to make sound recommendations, and will be impaired in helping you chart the course of therapy.

3. Give Me Tools!

I love working with motivated people.  Asking for homework and tools is a great way of augmenting your therapy experience, extending it beyond the reach of the counselling office.

It’s common to want to start the “actual therapy” (like, yesterday) and if skills acquisition is your thing, be sure to choose a therapist who can work within a skills-based framework.  And, timing is everything.  Recommendations on which tools would best meet your needs comes from a thorough assessment of your situation as well as what techniques would pair well with who you are as a person.  In my practice, I wait until I know a client and their situation well enough before advising.  Sometimes this happens at the end of session 1, sometimes at the end of sessions 2 or 3.  Some situations are inherently more complex!

4. Tell Me What to Do!

In some counselling approaches or theoretical orientations, it’s common for the therapist to never give advice, even when asked.  Doing so may be thought to unduly bias or influence clients and distract them from finding their own answers.  There is merit to this approach: the best answers always come from within.  And, my approach around this is not hardline.  Sometimes advice is warranted, especially if a therapist, based on their experience, training and research, can perceive certain consequences that the client may wish to avoid.  The position I take is understanding first, then advice, to quote psychotherapists John and Julie Gottman. I would never offer my opinion in a situation that I didn’t understand.

5. Don’t Tell Me What to Do!

Sometimes people breathe a sigh of relief at the thought of finding an accepting, comfortable therapy environment, especially if they have been barraged by advice from others or had an upbringing where they felt controlled.  If you relate, a non-directive therapy approach can be just the ticket to facilitating you finding your own answers.

This attitude is generally only problematic if clients are resistant to any feedback from the therapist, including observations, which can limit the therapy conversation and potentially, progress.

6. Yes, but…

This statement usually arises repeatedly when clients ask for advice or direction from therapists but then reject all the therapists suggestions with a “yes, but…”  Therapy can then feel very frustrating for both parties!  This can be related to several factors including a poor match between client and therapist, the client wanting to make changes but experiencing fear around the practical realities of doing so, counsellors not meeting clients where they’re at or even therapist burn-out.

In Conclusion…

None of these attitudes are inherently problematic and can even be a springboard for enriching therapeutic conversations, helping clients “go deeper” with their thoughts and feelings–not limiting themselves to what they think the therapist wants to hear. If any of the above feels familiar, don’t hesitate to get that conversation going!

I will make the disclaimer that I am not a dietician or nutritionist! In no way am I trying to offer medical, or situation-specific advice.  I simply subscribe to the general guidelines of the Canada Food Guide.  You and your dietician or physician are the best judges of the food that is ultimately right for you.

Symptom Set-Up

Symptoms of depression can pave the way to eating poorly during times of low mood. Of particular relevance:

• Lack of motivation
• Poor appetite or significant weight loss
• Poor concentration
• Low energy
• Lack of interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities
• Excessive or inappropriate guilt

In situations of atypical depression, sufferers may experience increased appetite and overeating.

Attending to the depressive symptoms which contribute to eating problems is important because our response or action plan must be tailored to the symptoms themselves.

Symptoms: Lack of Motivation, Poor Concentration

Suggestion: Focus on ease and convenience.

Options

1.  Convenience foods get a bad rap, which is often deserved, sometimes not.  While no one can deny the value of fruits and vegetables, the task of cutting them up when you’re depressed may be particularly daunting.  Instead consider:

• Boxed salad
• Pre-cut veggies like baby carrots
• Pre-cut fruit such as pineapple or other “easy” fruit like apples or bananas
• Canned fruit or applesauce
• Frozen vegetables which need only to be warmed up

2.  Other convenience foods:

• Whole grain cereal
• Mini-yogurts
• Pre-cut cheese slices
• Almonds or other nuts
• Toast with nut-butter or other spreads
• Smoothies
• Veggie or deli slices

3.  Frozen Meals have come a long way over the years in terms or quality and variety. Having some on hand in the freezer can be helpful.  An additional advantage is that the portion sizes are often small, good when appetite is reduced.

4.  If budget is not an issue, consider a meal delivery service, which offers the option  just to heat and serve. Great for postpartum situations too.

5.  Some local grocery stores also have delivery service, with others allowing you to order online with a weekly bin delivered to your door.

6.  Enlist the help of friends and family.  Often loved ones are at a loss as to help someone who is depressed.  Willing family members and friends can do things such as make small meals or snacks which you can freeze or they can help by picking up groceries.

Symptoms: Poor Appetite, Low Energy

Suggestion: Small, frequent meals or snacks

Using some of the food suggestions above, or your own ideas, eat small portions every few hours. Aim for food choices with higher food value that will stay with you longer.  For me personally, I find eggs and nuts good choices.

Symptom: Lack of Interest or pleasure

Suggestion: Be realistic, be aware

To me, it’s too much pressure to force yourself to like eating when you feel that you can’t be bothered. Sometimes it can be more helpful to reframe one’s focus towards basic sustenance.  For others, giving oneself the permission to mindfully “ask” your body what it needs and going with it, can be important. The answer may not always be chocolate!

Symptom: Excessive Guilt

Suggestion: Be Kind to Yourself

I’ve included guilt here because over the years, I’ve noticed a lot of unintended pressure placed on persons with depression to “eat healthy.”  As if having a low mood was not bad enough, now one has to have a well-balanced diet as part of the treatment plan.  And people who don’t often feel bad about it.  Healthy eating is optimal.  I like to eat well whenever I can and yes, it is an essential piece in the treatment of low mood and other mental health conditions.  But with mood disorders, it’s critical that our response be realistic and practical.  If one is suffering acutely, a healthy diet may not be at the top of our list of concerns. Instead, practice letting go of self-judgment and doing what’s possible in your situation.  It is hoped that some of the above suggestions will be of help.

Who

If you do a Google search on therapy in Vancouver, or any other city for that mater, you’ll come up with a range of results including psychotherapists, chiropractors, physiotherapists, occupational therapists, naturopaths, massage therapists and other healing practitioners.  As if finding a counsellor or therapist in Vancouver wasn’t hard enough already!

The search for counsellors is more targeted; there seems to be an understanding that counselor is referring to a mental health-related practitioner.

What

Both counselling and therapy are unregulated terms; anyone can say that they practice counselling or therapy with no legal ramifications.  It’s buyer beware!  I cover this topic and a host of other issues pertaining to finding a mental health professional who is right for you, in my article Finding a Therapist.

The terminology can sometimes be a stumbling block too.  The term therapy is short for psychotherapy and just spelling the word counselling can trip us up. If you’re Canadian, from the UK, Australia, New Zealand or other Commonwealth countries you spell it “counselling.” Americans spell it “counseling,” with one L.  And some of us struggle every time we want to write the word, making guesses like “counsiling,” “counceling,” “counciling”, “councelling” and the like.

Similarities

What the two share in common is that both involve a conversation between client(s) and a therapist/counsellor that has the the aim of helping people make changes within themselves and in their lives.

This process is not random; the therapist or counsellor, through questions, reflection and feedback acts as a facilitator to assist clients to help them find these answers within themselves. Any mental health practitioner who claims to have “all the answers” or convinces you that you can not survive without their expertise should be subject to your scrutiny.  Therapy and counselling is a mutually influential process; the therapist affects the client and the client the therapist, and together a therapuetic path is formed and traversed.

Differences

When I was trained in counselling and psychotherapy, I was taught that psychotherapy could be understood as “a journey for understanding the self”, while counselling related to assisting clients in resolving problems in the here and now and mobilizing clients’ strengths to assist in this process.

The Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia puts it this way:

Although Counselling and Psychotherapy overlap considerably, there are also recognised differences. While the work of Counsellors and Psychotherapists with clients may be of considerable depth, the focus of Counselling is more likely to be on specific problems, changes in life adjustments and fostering clients’ wellbeing. Psychotherapy is more concerned with the restructuring of the personality or self and the development of insight. 

Decision Time

Sometimes it’s tempting to make a judgement between what is “better”: counselling or therapy.  They’re similar and different at the same time.  Counselling may be more appropriate at one stage of your life and psychotherapy at another; sometimes a blend of both works well and for others, it’s one or the other.

The choice between counselling and psychotherapy is not necessarily an overt conversation between client and therapist.  Most of the time the therapist makes a clinical decision about what general approach might work best but there can be a “clash” when there’s a mismatch in the way the client and therapist see the situation.  For example, a client might say, “I came in to talk about my financial problems and all the therapist wanted to do is discuss my growing up!

If you feel that your therapist is using an approach that you feel is not right for you, be it a counselling vs. psychotherapy difference, or even in the choice of a specific therapy method, bring it up!  All therapists should be receptive to open dialogue with their clients.  If they’re not, find someone else.  Clients sometimes continue with therapy approaches that are not working for them out of fear of offending the therapist, or because they’re wanting the counsellor’s approval, or maybe they’re struggling with the assertiveness skills necessary to raise the issue.  More commonly, clients drop out of treatment rather than have this conversation.  This can be unfortunate because if you have a responsive and willing therapist on board, the course of the counselling or therapy can be greatly enriched with even a little feedback from the client.

Why

I am a huge (admittedly biased) advocate about the benefits of counselling and psychotherapy to help us get through life’s rough spots or to help us, on a deeper level, when it comes to unresolved losses, trauma or issues from long ago that are affecting the way we see the world today.

If the therapist you’re interested in hiring has a free initial consult or phone call, don’t hesitate to take advantage of this, asking about his or her approach and sharing your needs too.  It can be a journey well worth taking!

It might seem strange to link dying poinsettias to the topics of counselling and mental health, but it relates to a subject I bring up frequently in therapy sessions: impermanence.

What Is Impermanence?

We hear this term occasionally and it’s just as it sounds, that which is “not permanent” or “transient,” according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.  It’s a condition that’s around us all the time, permeating every aspect of our life.  Everything around us in a state of flux and change constantly.  Most of us prefer not to think about this.

Our Drive for Security

Instead we like to think about things that foster an illusion of safety, security and permanence. Family, friends, our home, a car.  Sometimes we get into projects that are so engrossing, they’re almost timeless, or if we master a particular skill we might even feel invincible.

Is Security Bad?

Before you conclude that this is an article about living without ‘emotional props,’ and taking all manner of personal and psychological risks, that is not my intention.  We’re human beings after all, and it’s the connection and interdependence with others which makes us so.  But when we attach to something like it’s never going to end, be it a relationship, object, role or skill, we’re in for a rough ride emotionally because things do end. Cars break down, technology becomes obsolete, people die, bodies wear out. Wow, this is sounding pretty grim…but wait.

Benefits of Change

It may be inconceivable that change could help us.  Here are some points:

• Nothing lasts forever, not even horrible things. We learn that no situation is static; even bad situations and conditions change eventually.
• When things change we have the opportunity to learn and grow as people. We become flexible, adaptable, stronger than we thought possible. We don’t realize our potential until we’re challenged.
• Gratitude increases. We appreciate people, moments and even things more when we realize life’s fragility. For example, many of us spend increased time with loved ones when we know their health his failing. We take time off work to catch a child’s ballet recital knowing that not only is our support invaluable to the child but also recognizing that these exact moments do not come again.
• Increased peace. When we can be still within ourselves as the waves of change roll through and around us we can understand that inner stillness and outer chaos can coexist.  We do not have to make the ‘outer’, ‘inner’ and the inner can come from a place of recognizing and accepting that change is the natural state of things.
• Seeing things in a new light. Recognizing change is like thinking outside of the box, in a world where security is everything. When we stretch ourselves psychologically, spiritually–making ourselves just slightly uncomfortable–we feel the increased internal resiliency that comes from doing so and from blazing our own trail.

Before I completed this article, I came to work and noticed that the poinsettia was gone. I felt a little sad, assuming that it is in a landfill somewhere. But then I thought, maybe it has found a place again, eventually becoming compost and bringing forth new life once again.

Emily’s Story

Emily made the decision that Christmas 2011 was going to be different.  She was going to be organized.  She would start her shopping in September, keeping her eye open for treasures whenever she was out and about.  She would start her Christmas cakes on the Remembrance Day Weekend so they had ample time to cure before she gifted them in December.  On the first weekend in December she would start her holiday cards, almost 200, because she liked to receive them as much as she liked to send them.  She took special delight in the thought of hand-embossing them all.  Similarly, she would ensure that as many gifts as possible were homemade or ethically sourced but would do whatever it took to get her son Mark the highest rated toy of the year, even if it meant lining up outside the store at 5:00 AM on the day of its release; taking a chance and disappointing a child on Christmas was so bad, it was almost evil.

Having the right tree may just be the highlight of her year so it had to be right: wouldn’t it be a better experience for the family if they could select and cut down the tree themselves, even it came from an (organic) Christmas tree farm?  Wouldn’t it be wonderful, as an offering to her extended family, to handle Christmas dinner singlehandedly, but having most, if not all of it, prepared in advance so that Christmas Day would be a breeze?  All her wrapping would be done a week before so that she would be at peace on Christmas day, able to enjoy her family and her seasonally decorated home.

A recipe for holiday heaven or holiday hell?  Fortunately, most of us don’t apply as much internal pressure as Emily does, but it’s not difficult to find elements of Emily’s story in ourselves.  This in itself is not bad, however.  It’s when this pressure extends to perfectionism that we often find ourselves in hot water.

Perfectionism: What is it?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines perfectionism “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.” Wikipedia adds that it is “a belief that a state of  completeness and flawlessness can and should be attained.” Perfection varies from person to person but typically constitutes an internal set of standards that the individual has set for him or herself, shaped by life experiences.

Perfectionism Checklist

Symptoms include:

• Intense judgement of self or others
• Chronic feelings of dissatisfaction, failure, inadequacy or depressed mood
• Worry and/or obsessional thoughts
• Stress-related physical complaints such as headaches, stomachaches and sleeping problems
• Anxiety or panic

Perfectionism, Meet Holidays

So what happens when a perfectionistic attitude gets together with the holiday season? Societal pressures often dictate that holidays should be a time of togetherness, relaxation, ease and time with loved ones that is free of conflict; yet on the other hand, certain standards should be met:  traditions honoured, people pleased, self pleased (e.g. I must be happy), standards met.  This creates internal conflict: how do I do it all, not get stressed out and love every minute of it?  Well, we don’t. Or we modify.

But while modification may be a sensible solution, it’s not always easy.  It may involve changing our standards, doing things differently, taking shortcuts, getting more rest or disappointing people.  We may then question who we are on a deeper level and if we have the belief that “we are what we do,” or that our self-worth is measured by others’ opinions of us, then this can be more than just a little uncomfortable.

We Can Change

Even though it’s potentially painful, we can choose to do things differently. Part of the key in making this happen is to be kind to ourselves through this transition.  This may include things like getting support from a friend, writing down our thoughts or practicing accepting them and letting them come and go naturally (mindfulness, meditation).  With practice and commitment, this will improve.

Holiday Anti-Perfection Tips

In 2009 I wrote the article, Surviving The Holiday Season where I touch on perfectionism and pressure during the holidays, including possible antidotes such as:

• Try a potluck meal, instead of doing all the cooking.
• Go in on a group gift or draw names.
• Give yourself space to rest, even if it means certain things can’t be accomplished.
• Don’t spread yourself too thin: focus on spending time with people who mean the most to you.
• Focus on time spent together, letting go of the “ideal togetherness activity.” Much time can be wasted and stress induced trying to do the perfect thing together.
• Stay on budget: you’ll be much happier come January.
• Find joy and gratitude in simple things, such as learning to make a paper crane or relishing a favourite cookie.
• Let go of judgment and opinions about how your time should go. Roll with things, flexing when conditions dictate and taking action when needed.  It’s a lot of pressure and a recipe for futility to try to control others and certain situations.
• Self Care: treat yourself kindly and be good to yourself, even in small ways.  What a great way to start the New Year!

It seems like such a cliche that it’s almost tempting to write off this advice as overrated, but I think it’s important enough to go back to now and again.

What is Consistency in Parenting?

Dictionary.com defines the practice of consistency as “steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.” while the Myriam Webster Dictionary states that the practice involves a “harmony of conduct or practice with profession.”  For our purposes, I would equate “parenthood” and “profession.”

In other words, we need to mean what we say and it has to “make sense” to both child and parent in the context of reasonable parenting. Note: I mention child and parent.

It’s difficult to follow through on something that, when you get down to it, is actually unreasonable for the child or unrealistic to enforce for the parent.  And, each family is different when it comes to how to gauge this.  We all have different needs.  For example:

Family A: Child is highly reactive to sugar.

Child: “Mum, just one more Hallowe’en candy!?”

Parent: “We need to stick with one a day so that we can keep getting along with one another.”

Family B:  Parents wish to avoid dealing with a protracted Hallowe’en stash.

Child: “Dad, could I have another Hallowe’en candy?”

Parent: “You’ve reached your limit of three a day.  You can have three more tomorrow.”

Why Do It?

Being consistent in our parenting decisions is perhaps one of the biggest anxiety reducers that we have available to us.  And it’s anxiety reducing for both children and parents. Why?

• Over time, children learn what to expect, where the boundaries are; this fosters feelings of emotional safety and security.
• Parents and the family as a whole benefit from the increased harmony that comes with everyone knowing where the limits are.
• Avoids tantrums in the long-term, although not necessarily right away (especially if the child has grown accustomed to variability in parenting response).
• Promotes prosocial behaviour in children because they have a “secure base” to try new things.

Why We Don’t Do It

We know why parenting with consistency is good to do, but why do many of us stumble?

• Family background.  Things about the way we were raised which are influencing our parenting decisions today. For example, we may have been raised by very strict parents who offered little latitude when it came to our choices as children.  We decide to be freer with our children, maybe even spoiling them.
• We feel bad (guilty).  This can especially arise when we’ve enforced a limit that is actually unreasonable.  For example, “If you don’t brush your teeth this morning, there will be no sugar in your diet for the next month!” vs. “If you choose not to brush your teeth today, I can’t allow you to have any sugary snacks today.” Parent follows through after child declines to cooperate.
• We feel bad (guilty).  We think that seeing our child cry when we’ve been consistent is somehow unhealthy for the child or we feel like we “made” our child cry.  Crying is an emotional release and is part of the child’s process of coming to terms with the limit you’ve set. The crying may, however, be being used by the child to try to get you to change your mind, especially if that technique has worked before.
• Circumstances. Sometimes things change and there’s nothing we can do about it. For example, routines have to sometimes be broken because of illness or something no longer seems like a good idea. If you change your mind, do so early on, to minimize the child’s belief that he or she got the desired result from a tantrum or protracted protest.

Tips For How to Do It

• Avoid empty threats.  Children can see through these and when you can’t follow through, your credibility is undermined.
• Avoid moralizing – being consistent is far less complicated when we leave out the sermon.
• Keep it Simple – Less is more.  Leading your 3 year-old child back to her bed every time she jumps out of it sends the message that you mean business; arguing with her tells her that you are willing to engage in a debate.
• Set standards that are workable, limits that you can live with an enforce consistently.
• Be aware of how unresolved issues and past experiences, particularly childhood ones, influence parenting decisions.  If these “ghosts from the past” continue to have you in an emotional stronghold, counselling can be helpful in working through these issues, increasing our awareness and coming up with practical alternatives.

What Is It?

Letting go is a topic that comes up frequently in counseling sessions.  The most common question I receive is “What does it mean, exactly?” or the comment, “That’s easier said than done.”

I like to think that there are two forms of letting go that are not distinct but rather, interrelated.

‘Physical’ Letting Go

“Each possession I own is but a stone around my neck.” – Albert Einstein

Letting go of our belongings or possessions.  Also known as “simplifying,” “living simply,” “decluttering,” “downsizing,” “thrifting,” “reducing our footprint,” etc.  Deciding what objects, conditions, situations or experiences are no longer useful, are no longer benefitting us, or are complicating our lives.

‘Mental’ Letting Go

The mental ‘attachments’ or emotional glue that we have to things like:

• Our feelings / emotions
• Conditions / situations
• Beliefs about ourselves and others
• Opinions and judgments

Why Let Go?

Emotional and physical attachments are by nature rigid and inflexible.  The more we hold on, the more we suffer.  It can be a liberating insight when we realize that the choices that we make when it comes to what we do with our mind–how we perceive things, situations–has a direct effect on how much we suffer.  Letting go is an important step towards freeing ourselves up mentally and emotionally.

How To Do It

Letting go is simple in theory, but often difficult in practice.  It takes work to break ourselves out of old habits, old routes that our minds go down in response to familiar scenarios.  But any healthy act which allows us to reverse these learned tendencies can help us to do just that.

Even giving away possessions can be hard, particularly if we feel sentimental about something or have fears that we may need it again in future.

But letting go can be done!  And, it’s a personal thing.  There is no one size fits all and every personal situation is unique. Things I have tried or things clients have shared include:

• Practicing meditation
• Yoga
• Relaxation and breathing techniques
• Exercise, often solitary physical pursuits such as walking or running
• Cognitive restructuring (challenging negative thinking habits/patterns)
• Practicing mindfulness: consciously doing one thing at a time, being aware of what one is doing, living ‘in the moment.’
• When the mind is wandering, brining it back to what one is doing in the present moment. This could include mentally returning to washing the dishes or even refocusing one’s attention on a television show. We often need to do this over and over throughout the day!
• Singing, chanting, music
• Visualization, imagery
• Being active
• Spending quiet time with a pet / companion animal
• Being in nature
• Engaging in a religious or spiritual practice
• Participating in a ceremony
• Talking to a trusted friend
• Saying goodbye
• Asking for help
• Being kind to oneself

The opportunities are numerous: whatever is non-harmful to oneself or others and which helps us to move beyond what is bothering us. Change and growth is possible!

Most of my friends know that I’ve always struggled to clean up and my family does too.  Even some of the clients whom I have counselled over the years found out; I’ve always been open about my humanity!

As the title suggests, I was recently in a position where I needed to get my home sold and in order to make this happen; frankly, I needed to clear the clutter.  This major event in my life caused me to pose a few general questions to myself about clutter, housework, motivation and personality.

A Series of Questions

Is Messiness a Problem?

This is an interesting question.  Over the years my response has ranged from strong self-judgement to a form of pride around being able to let go of perfection when it comes to my home.  I’ve read books about the value of de-cluttering and organization and others shunning and questioning this practice, and now, industry.  I’ve had moments of joy, putting other priorities in front of housework and moments of frustration when I’m running out the door and can’t find a critical thing.

Is Messiness a Personality Characteristic?

We certainly act like it in our society.  We’ve all probably used expressions like “she’s a messy person” ,”I’m neat”, “He’s a tidy person.”  It would also seem that people can habitually stick to a certain “style” over the years although there are also a number of people who are “in between,” with “lived in” homes where things are generally in their place.

Does Messiness Compromise Mental Health?

There’s been a little more buzz around this lately as psychology has embraced principles from Eastern religions and meditation in general.  It’s not uncommon for people to say, “that’s very zen,” when describing a space for that matter.  But it goes deeper than this: does our environment play a role in our general level of peacefulness?  Do our surroundings affect our general level of wellbeing?  There has also been growing attention to the phenomenon of hoarding, or extreme clutter, and its mental health effects, not to mention practical concerns that hoarding can produce, such as increasing the risk around house fires.

Is Messiness Circumstantial?

Can we be flexible in our tidiness, selectively choosing to do housework sometimes and not others?  Do certain situations lend themselves better to tidiness?  Most of us have heard the phrase, “I only clean up when I’m having people over.”

Does Messiness Have Roots in Childhood?

Does upbringing play a role in our approach to domestic chores?  Do the messages we received as children influence what we do as adults?

Is Messiness Changeable?

Is a messy person doomed to a life of messiness?  This is similar to the question about personality and whether or not this is a stable characteristic.

Is Tidiness Realistic?

It’s common to hear clutter organization books and experts extoll the ease which orderliness can be adopted and integrated easily in one’s life while others have written that to keep up with a home, not to mention the time investment of setting up the infrastructure to support it, takes so much time that other priorities (relaxation, childcare etc.) would be ignored. An analogy might be to compare housework to dieting: can housework be maintained on a long-term basis?

Some Thoughts…

Motivation

My opinions here will not be shared by all, and reflect my experience.  My overarching feeling about my recent clean-up initiative is that motivation has everything to do with effort.  Historically, I have always prided myself on keeping a neat and tidy counselling space.  Why in this context?  Because my clients’ comfort and experience of security are both so important to me.  My vision for my office is an oasis of sorts, a port in the storm where people can come and speak about whatever needs to be spoken and physical environments can play a big part in facilitating this (or not).

Freedom

With a home, there’s not quite so much pressure, although the benefits, as I’ve learned can be just as powerful.  When I was purely cleaning up to receive company, this was a temporary situation.  Once the company left, where was the motivation?  Selling my home really lit a fire under me: the house had to be ready for a certain time period.

It would be a realistic question to ask “and then once the home is sold? Then what?”  For me, one of the interesting things about selling is the necessity of getting rid of belongings.  The feeling of emancipation that comes with saying good-bye to a quarter to one third of one’s household items is incredible (and highly recommended!).  With less things, it is easier to clean up and the spacious feeling of my environment was the seed of my newfound motivation.

Potential

What I also gleaned from this experience is that labels (“clean” “tidy”), personality, history, only limit us if we let them.  One of the most joyful things that I find about counselling, is seeing others’ ability to change.  I see this over and over again.  And…if I were to choose not to see this potential and ability in myself, how then would I ever recognize it in others?  Bravo to change, letting go and new beginnings!

I must admit my biases before I begin.  While I spent a decade and a half working for and with others, I no longer do.  I’m now joyfully self-employed. So, I make my comments from a different vantage point now.  Yet, it’s an issue I remember well.

What is a difficult Co-Worker?

I used to have a theory that wherever you work, there is always that one co-worker that really stands out; that person planted there, through some kind of divine placement, designed to help us to grow as a person.  Well, it may not be that deliberate, but sometimes it feels that way.

Difficult co-workers can be anyone we work with that triggers distress for us, in any level of authority. Problem colleagues may challenge us both consciously (in ways we are aware of), and subconsciously (in ways beneath our awareness).  Here are some examples:

Staff Meeting

Conscious Thoughts

“He’s always dominating the meeting. He’s so controlling.”

Unconscious Thoughts

“He’s just like my father.”

Reports to You

Conscious Thoughts

“Can’t she just work independently for once?! She’s coming to me with every little thing!”

Unconscious Thoughts

“Her neediness triggers the needy traits within me that I hate so much.”

Supervising You

Conscious Thoughts

“He’s always breathing down my neck, monitoring every little thing!”

Unconscious Thoughts

“I can’t stand being scrutinized, just like my ex did to me!”

Conscious thoughts can be difficult: sometimes they dominate our mental space and we ruminate.  Troublesome thoughts can be relentless; we get caught in a loop or dialogue inside our head that’s difficult to break out of. It’s the unconscious thoughts, however  that have the potential to create the most havoc with our psyche: it’s hard to address a problem that we can’t see.

Common Workplace Conflicts

What is a conflict to one person may be nothing to another, although some situations are more common than others.  These include:

• When our authority is threatened or questioned
• When our autonomy is threatened, diluted or removed
• Change in the working conditions/job description, particularly if you have no say in the process
• Personality clashes
• When we feel unappreciated or unfairly compensated
• When we feel unsupported
• When we feel disrespected
• When workload demands are too high or are unreasonable
• When we are understimulated or underchallenged
• Communication problems

Other factors which enhance conflict

These include feeling: hungry and tired, having personal problems outside of the work situation and difficulty with alcohol or drugs.

How To Deal…Some Tips

Practice Mindfulness: This is the foundation for responding sanely and consciously to others. If we know what is going on inside our mind and body, we can make and informed decision about how we want to deal with the situation we are in.

Be Aware: notice your thoughts and feelings coming and going. Don’t grab hold of them, don’t push them away. Notice thoughts, feelings and body sensations.  For example, this may look like: “I can feel that my brow has become all knitted up. I’m having worried thoughts about how to get my work done for the deadline that my boss has given me. I’m also worried about how she will react if I don’t meet that deadline. I’m actually feeling kind of panicked.”

Be Present: If you’re writing a report, keep bringing your mind back, over and over, to writing the report.

Active Listening: While this topic is an article in itself, highlights include reflecting back what you have just heard, staying focused in the present and on the presenting issue, choosing an appropriate time and space for listening and using “I” statements when needing to express yourself.

Be Assertive: Again, an article of its own. This includes healthy psychological boundaries, describing behaviour (as opposed to personal attacks) and stating what you need in positive terms.

Be Practical: While it’s never a good idea to “run away” from problems, sometimes a change is in order. Maybe feelings of obligation are tying you to a job which is stunting your career and your happiness. Maybe you crave stability and are fearful of making a change that could take you to new heights. Maybe you have a toxic boss or a workplace bully and you need to get out of the situation, for your own mental health.  There are many valid reasons for finding new work.

My first question was to ask myself what my definition of a holiday was; there are many possible interpretations of a vacation, many very valid.

For me, I decided that the most important thing for me about experiencing a vacation is tolet go.  By this I mean to let go of the things that tie me to the stress and frenetic pace of daily life; counsellors, despite their professional training, are not immune to this!  I also needed to do something pretty practical and tangible because that is the type of person I am.

A Plan

So I decided to get specific and venture into the “great unknown.”  I decided to unplug.  No cell phone. No emails (work or personal). No Internet.  I asked myself whether I was crazy to attempt this.  Would I start jonesing from a lack of technology?

Doubts

I had a few concerns:

• Would I miss connecting with others?
• What would people think if they didn’t get an email response from me? (I’m a conscientious person)
• Would I get bored?
• How would I get information that I was used to accessing on the Internet?

Answering My Questions

I had anticipated an acute state of withdrawal.  I’ve always felt that I work too much on my computer.  But something strange happened: I felt lighter, relieved, unburdened, delighted.

Did I miss connecting with others?  Yes, but I re-evaluated the extent I need to do so.  I don’t have to spend excess time on Facebook or Twitter. Small, targeted, purposeful time periods are enough for me.  For the time being, I’ve reduced my social networking by at least 50%.

I had a lot of messages in my inboxes when I came back from holidays.  This was a little overwhelming!  And there were people whom I never connected with professionally because of the time lag in returning their email or phone messages.

Did I get bored?  Surprisingly no!  Instead I:

• Appreciated the peaceful setting where I was vacationing
• Picked up a hobby that I had previously abandoned for 2 years
• Spent more quality time with my family where I was more mentally present
• Found more time for doing other things I previously didn’t feel I had time for, realizing what a time waster that technology can be.
• Meditated more

For the most part, I had to give up my desire for instant information.  For example, I made cinnamon buns and wanted to make a glaze.  But how?  I had no recipe and no icing sugar.  I remember hearing once that cornstarch and granulated sugar could be combined in such a way to make homemade icing sugar.  But what were the proportions?  My was a stab in the dark which sort-of-not-exactly worked out.  I got creative and suggested that it would make a better “dipping sauce” for the buns, just in case it wasn’t to everyone’s taste.

I cheated twice, using someone else’s computer for 5-10 minutes to deal with two urgent situations.  Yes, life isn’t perfect.

I do need to say that I appreciate technology even more since my “cleanse.”  It’s useful, but I don’t want it to control me.  I want to consciously choose when I use it, and for the right reasons.  My peace of mind depends on it.