At the risk of belittling legitimate content warnings, I’ll say that unless you have a penchant for films and are interested in my relationship with them over the years, you may want to skip this article. Or, fast forward to the end where I reflect on what I learned this year about myself. If there’s something in there for you too, I’m happy.

Younger Me at the Movies

Some of you know that this October, I was heading back to the Vancouver International Film Festival (VIFF) as a pass holder for the first time in 20 years.

I still have my free VIFF t-shirt from when the VIFF turned 25, back when VIFF offered preferred seating for middle of the road pass holders, when elite Platinum passes didn’t exist (at far as I know) and when daytime -nly passes existed, which I thought were for filmgoers ‘light’.

Even though I only went to the VIFF as a regular pass holder twice, I was determined back then to get the full festival experience, and more. I looked through newspapers (?!) researching any film reviews that did exist from previous screenings, took hours to schedule them using the VIFF print catalogue and wrote capsule reviews about every film I saw.

I also used to pride myself on getting the most value possible from my pass. One year I saw 55 films, the next year closer to 70, and I was (embarrassingly) and secretly smug about it. But what I didn’t share with people is that I had all-day headaches for the first 3 or 4 days as my brain adjusted to seeing 6 films a day. And also, in the spirit of time efficiency and financial economy, I had spent two weeks advance-preparing wraps and muffins to eat throughout the fest and which were so repetitive that I will never think about millet with love again.

Also, I didn’t know that I was neurodivergent back then which in retrospect was definitely a driving factor. I was defensive when others would comment that my festival schedule wasn’t mentally or physically healthy but now I see their point. Although I saw great films, my body was unhappy, I was exhausted and sleep deprived and I was also very irritable.

Transition Time

Starting a family changed my life in ways I had never imagined. I didn’t leave my home much for months after my first child was born and the first film I was in the theatre back then was Capote. Despite being a huge Philip Seymour Hoffman fan, I could barely enjoy the film as it was my first time being away from my baby and I was too anxious being separated. I wasn’t ready.

But I did lament the sharp decrease in film watching in the proceeding years, often reaching lows of 2 or 3 annually.  Streaming wasn’t a thing back then and I didn’t like renting movies much as I was a die-hard ‘films are meant to be experienced n the theatre’ purist. With my rigid thinking and foolhardy mindset, I deliberately declined easy and convenient entertainment.

And this film draught went on for a long time, and my return to some filmgoing regularity  was seeing kids movies. And it was a bit torturous because they’ve never been my jam. Even as a kid, I was the weird kid that hated animation, with the exception of Scooby Doo and Peanuts.

Something New

It took a long time but things started gradually changing as my children grew up. I started getting back into VIFF by buying 1 or 2 tickets for a few years, then 6 tickets, then 12 and now, with both kids now in university, I wondered, could I return as a pass holder all these years later? I was giddy just thinking about it! But I had some internalized shame too: was this a midlife crisis that was cheaper and seemingly more erudite than buying a sports car?

But I did come back down to earth and started pondering the practicalities. I knew I could not match the pace of my youth and unlike back then, I also have hearing loss that when unsupported, can make particular film formats a challenge. Also, now that I know about my neurodivergence, I have also come to realize that I can’t cheat the system and push myself too hard, lest there be consequences.

So what were my ideas going into the festival and how successful were they?

• I’ll be honest in saying there were some wonderful ups and some modest downs throughout this process. Sometimes I was feeling super-excited and happy, other times I felt like I wanted to be doing something different (although I ususally never left regretting the film).
• I saw double the amount of films I did last year, and loved almost all of them. And some really, really stood out. But sometimes 3 a day was too much for me ,and I started to question if I was just a lightweight like the people I silently judged all those years ago. This time, I didn’t have a return of headaches of old, but the schedule left me with very little free time.
• Having a pass made me feel special but I also felt beholden to making it worth what I paid for it, which weirdly, at times, felt like a job.
• The absorbing nature of good cinema can be a truly immersive experience. And I have no regrets about that!

What did I learn?

1. I’m putting a ban on late shows for future fests, which is also a reminder of the consequences of pushing myself too hard late at night. My sleep suffers and so does my daytime patience.
2. I brought water with me and threw random snacks in a bag every day. There was enough variety to avoid replicating my previous millet intoxication but snacks were not enough. Meals were important and not a waste of money, although they were often rushed and on the fly.
3. I enjoyed a balance of walking/transit and taking the car. Having the car was especially nice at harder to get to locations on late nights when I was particularly fatigued.
4. Popcorn is atrociously expensive and a waste of money only if it’s over-salted. When it’s not, it’s glorious.
5. I can change my mind and not go to a film when I’m too tired. Principle over practice. In the past I would rigidly adhere to a system I had set out, even when it was costing me physically and psychologically.
6. Maybe I’ll bake a little more before next year’s fest, maybe I won’t. I did like the pumpkin, millet-free muffins I baked for this year, and I didn’t get sick of them. But a little variety would have been nicer. I can always ask for help, too, if I don’t want to bake ALL the things.
7. Monetization is not synonymous with value. I don’t have to sacrifice my self care and maintenance just to make a festival pass monetarily worth while. And I’m also saying that from a position of privilege. I can buy a pass and not break even, and not worry about it because the cost didn’t take from something else essential.
8. Some more transition days would be nice. Maybe next week I’ll be off for a little longer, just to ease into this new schedule and exit it again at a slower pace. Who knows?