It’s really common for folks to ask me “how was your holidays?” when I return from my annual winter break. I usually give a vague answer about it being a relief to get out of my routine (true) and then ultimately missing the routine but looking forward to getting back to it (also true). But this is only part of the picture.

It occurred to me that writing about the complexity of the (winter) holidays may also hold some truth for others, given that this is a challenging time of the year for a lot of folks, even though society would have us believing otherwise. I’ve previously written about surviving the holiday season, but how does one cope when it is all over?

But this article is probably not for you if:

1. You don’t celebrate the holidays
2. The holidays are fun and enjoyable for you and you start the new year feeling great
3. The holidays are in your rear view mirror and this article is untimely and now feels irrelevant

But if some of you are still recuperating from the holidays, perhaps there may be something relatable here.

Holiday Challenges

While the impact of the holidays is highly personal, and triggers are highly variable, factors can make the holidays difficult may include:

Society’s Emphasis on Family, Friends and Togetherness – The bar is set high for emotional closeness, coziness and universal cheer, but this does not reflect everyone’s reality. Even if we are fortunate to have people to connect with during this time, we may still feel disappointed if our experiences do not match our, or society’s, expectations

Historical Family Trauma or Challenges – The holidays can trigger painful memories or flashbacks about previous difficult holiday time with family, which can be hard to cope with, at a time where we’re “supposed” to be having fun

Grief – Bereavement counsellors know that that the holidays are typically a major trigger for those who have lost a loved one. Feeling the absence of loved ones who have died and with whom we may have shared holiday traditions can be exceedingly painful, particularly if we were close to the person(s). And even if we weren’t, this may have us grieving for what could have been, if situations or people were differenbt

Availability of Friends and Family  – Not all of us have family or friends to celebrate the holiday with. This can happen for a number of reasons such as: death, cut-offs / estrangements, coming from a small family, lack of geographical access, and other situations that make contact difficult or impossible such as illness or health issues

Effort and Perfectionism – I wrote about this topic long ago, but perhaps it bears repeating: We may have strong expectations about how we feel the holidays should go as well as a belief that in order for it to go the way we want to, we must put in 1000% effort, working ourselves to exhaustion with gifts, creating memories, and engaging in as many experiences as possible. In the effort to create an ideal experience, our mental health may suffer

Current Family Conflict – Sometimes when families get together, the situation can feel very pressurized. These feelings can be exacerbated when visits during the year are few and far between. And add alcohol to the mix and underlying tensions can manifest more easily. Such factors make arguments and conflict between family members more likely

Exhaustion – Whether it’s difficult family dynamics, too much go-go-go or something else, a lot of us don’t feel rested over the holidays, even though society may have different expectations like sitting around fires, sipping cocoa and engaging in rich and meaningful conversations.  Introverts may also find themselves doing more socializing than normal which can be both simultaneously satisfying and wearying

Neurodivergence – The internet is full of tips and tricks,  mostly aimed at autistics and ADHDers about how to survive the holiday season, including things like not forcing socialization, taking time away from others and choosing a schedule that honours neurodivergence. Holiday burnout can be real for many neurodivergent people but not everyone feels that way.

Unstructured Time – While a boon for some folks, unstructured time can be a source of stress for others. Routine can help us pace our days and often brings predictability in an otherwise tumultuous world. Routine may also help us regulate our energy and decrease anxiety. And when routine falls away temporarily, we may feel an initial rush of freedom but later end up feeling discombobulated.

Values Conflicts – I’ve been counselling since 1996 and I can’t think of a single year where a client didn’t bring up frustrations around consumerism and capitalism during the holidays. But mercifully, in the past decade, I’ve witnessed a growing movement around buying direct from local artists and crafters. My childhood was all about The Mall.

The Dark – While I truly enjoy holiday lights and the cheer they provide to long, dark and usually rainy nights, the dark can ultimately get to a lot of us, mentally.

When The Holidays Are Over

I’ll be the first to admit the factors I mentioned, above, can make me feel pretty mixed about the holidays. I love not setting my alarm (until my sleeping routine gets messed up and I realize that I might actually be getting less sleep). I love eating many delicious treats (until I start missing regular food). I love doing more fun things (until I start craving familiar activities).

And because holidays are experienced so individually, so is the recovery period. For those of us who are still recovering, a few thoughts:

1. Easing Back Into Things – This is not possible in all circumstances or all budgets, but if the opportunity allows, I’ve found it helpful to return to routine at a gentle pace. For the first time this year, I booked less clients on my first day back at work and I found it relaxing!
2. Incorporating Rest When Possible – Many of us feel exhausted after the holidays are over. Are there opportunities in the subsequent days to do less and to take more time to rest?
3. Sleep – When the transition from holidays to routine is affecting sleep, some may find it helpful to advance one’s bedtime routine over the course of 3 or 4 days as the holidays are winding down, to help sleep align with one’s regular sleep schedule
4. Incorporating Flexibility – I used to stress myself out big time thinking that I had to see everyone in my orbit over the holidays and have all gifts organized during this period. Who says that January gatherings are any less valuable? They may even be more enjoyable if the time together is relaxed and not rushed
5. It’s OK To Be Real – The experience of the holidays will change over the course of our lives, sometimes for the better, sometimes in less welcome ways. And changes over one’s life cycle are to be expected. It may be helpful to write or talk about these changes with people you trust
6. Imagine Something Different for Next Year – Would it be helpful to be in a different location? Have a different holiday schedule? Connect with something that pleases you rather than societal or social expectations that don’t?