I recently had a situation arise in my personal life which scared me a lot. It wasn’t an issue where my safety was compromised, although the way my nervous system was reacting, you’d think that this was the case. It was the most anxious I’ve been in recent memory.

Trigger Identification

If I’ve learned something about my nervous system over the years, my anxiety really gets going in response to the following triggers:

• When something happens suddenly or unexpectedly
• When someone is doing something unfair, unjust or dishonest
• When a situation involves money (worse when more money is involved)
• When someone is in a position of power (individuals, groups, corporations)
• When I failed to notice a problem (whether or not I could have detected that)
• If I feel like I’m being blamed (and yes, sometimes one has to accept blame or responsibility so this trigger is not necessarily logical)

Fear, Awareness and All The Works

And with most of the above triggers, they usually produce a strong fear reaction in me. In my younger years my fear response used to be so strong that I thought that I might die, and I am glad to say that I don’t really believe this daymare fantasy anymore. But it’s not uncommon to think we’re dying when we’re panicking. Hospital emergency rooms are very familiar with this scenario.

It’s an interesting experience to be panicking and aware that you’re panicking. Sometimes I tell myself that I miss the “old days” where I was just in the throws of my anxiety, with no real awareness. And then I remember that those times were actually pretty awful and my anxiety was overall more intense and more protracted.

Did being aware of my anxiety this time round make it any easier? Yes and no, but if I’m being truly honest, I’d say that I felt extremely anxious and fearful for a shorter duration than in times past.

I noticed myself having a full-body reaction, with heart palpitations, muscle tension and body aches and pains. My thoughts felt scrambled and I had catastrophic fears about what could happen and I had irrational fears that this crisis would never end. I fell behind in my housework and I spent a lot of time researching solutions when I was not working. When I was working, I repeatedly set the intention not to allow my mind to stray to this matter, choosing to connect instead with my clients’ experiences.

I fantasized about avoiding the situation altogether, but my feelings of injustice were so strong that I decided that I needed to proceed anyway and face the person involved in an attempt to sort out the situation.

Facing Fear

How does one face an aversive situation when one feels so awful inside? This really is the million dollar question, with psychology and self-help authors claiming they have the answers that we struggle to find ourselves. But when the rubber hits the road, how do we take a step forward? I’ve written about some of my experiences previously dealing with anxiety and crisis, but I thought it would be interesting not to look at these articles when writing this one, to see what I actually internalized and did, this time around.

• I recognized that intense fear is not necessarily a barrier to coping and might even happen simultaneously. I could still proceed imperfectly or minimally even if I felt emotionally wounded
• I removed barriers around my coping and what that “should” look like. Coping might be non-traditional or “weird” but it was still something
• I told myself that I’m allowed to feel ALL my feelings, including fear with or without shame and stigma… whatever was landing in my lap
• Even though I was feeling all my feelings, I still wanted to be responsible with them, without being unduly restrictive. This may seem like a strange thing to say, but I felt a responsibility to take care of myself and not do things that would deliberately intensify my feelings/suffering, like being careful around music, TV, podcasts or other influences
• I told the people closest to me about what was going on. Even though I had fantasies that they could somehow take my bad feelings away, I recognized how and when they were helping, without the expectation that they do exactly what I was wanting them to do
• I cut down on my commitments. I wanted to save my energy for my family and work and tried to let go of anything else I could
• I worked on bringing down body reactivity by starting with simple, calming activities, that didn’t take a lot of brain power. I didn’t get to a place of zero fear, but once my thoughts were more logical, I proceeded to the next point, below.
• I went into problem-solving mode. Things like writing lists, doing research and taking action seem to help decrease feelings of powerlessness and help me map out a plan. I do tend to obsess with these sorts of actions, however—which is also a function of my neurodivergence—and I was not always successful, at times feeling burned out from my focus. But, I appreciated those moments when I could let go, do something different or do nothing at all.
• I maintained a (relatively) calm and civil stance when dealing with the people involved in the situation, even though a part of me wanted to lowkey lash out. I had enough sense to realize that this would only de-legitimize my position and make things worse moving forward.
• I recognized that I was fortunate enough to be dealing with people who were willing to continue communicating with me and who were willing to consider solutions. It was humbling to recognize that positive change was not solely a me thing.
• I found comfort in my interests – they provided an immersive and soothing distraction when I needed to take a mental break.
• I rejoiced when it was all over and made a strong mental note that such situations are impermanent!

The End

Midway through the ordeal I imagined that if things worked out I would be skipping around my home, giddy with relief. Did this happen? Not really. I felt a decrease in my stress and was grateful to see the situation improve but there was no Hollywood ending. I actually felt rather matter-of- fact about the conclusion. But, upon reflection, I’d rather end feel grounded, rather than levitational, after this protracted fear situation. Cloud 9 would just seem to feel like a very high and fragile place to fall from. Buy hey, once it was over, I could finally get a good night’s sleep!