Personal Reflections

I’ve always been big into context. Maybe that’s my training as a social worker, where it’s drilled in, from day one, that an understanding of the human experience is incomplete without understanding the environments that humans live in and the effects of these environments.

I also suspect, though, that my desire to want to understand why—for almost anything that I consider important, negative or positive—can also be attributed to my neurodivergence.

Rethinking Apologies

Some months ago I was reviewing a book for my Book Nook, which made the point that offering explanations for one’s behaviours, especially during times of interpersonal conflict, only makes things worse. This is probably an obvious point to most people, but for me—and despite all of my training as a therapist and my personal and professional experiences—it was not. And I’m a little embarrassed to admit it.

In my mind, I historically assumed that if I had done something not appreciated by someone else, or for which I had concluded was a bad move, a good strategy would be to offer an explanation for my behaviour or choices. Actually this wasn’t necessarily a conscious thought—I was just in the habit of giving explanations.

My unspoken rationale went something like ‘If I can offer an explanation, the person will know that I didn’t do X, Y or Z for a bad reason. They will understand that I wasn’t trying to cause harm. That I didn’t have bad intentions.” But if I’m really being honest, that the explanation would offer proof that I’m not a bad person.

And there was another motivation too: understanding “the truth”, by which I meant, unless we recognize ALL aspects of the truth, ALL the details, from ALL perspectives, then the discussion isn’t “worth it” as it’s incomplete and less “truthful.”

A Bad Mix

But what happens when the desire to get every detail “right” about an experience meets a situation where an apology is warranted?

Trying to include both may look like…

“I’m sorry I didn’t clean up the kitchen last when it was my turn but I didn’t want to make too much noise in the night and wake people up.”

“I’m sorry that I’ve been so preoccupied working on my taxes. Our plans for the day are important but you know that I’ve got to get these documents to my accountant and time is of the essence.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen with full attention—I was really worn out from my day and didn’t have the capacity.”

What’s Wrong With Explanations?

On the surface these “apologies” may seem quasi-reasonable but are they really apologies?

Explanations may…

• Negate others’ experience – They prioritize the apologizer: they say that the apologizer’s reasons are more important than their effect on the other person(s) involved
• Come across as excuses – Even if the apologizer acknowledges that they did something wrong, explaining the choices preceding can read as a deflection of responsibility
• Be self-centred – The apologizer centres their own choices in the conversation
• Lack empathy – Instead of leaning into the effect of the choice/behaviour/action on others, it’s again about the apologizer’s experience and reasons
• Cognify Things, lending a tone which may be out of step with the receiver’s lived experience
• Shut down dialogue – If your reasons were logical / rational /sound / truthful etc., what more is there to talk about?

Apologizing Differently

So how can we bring a more fulsome approach to apologizing?

• You will have anticipated my first (obvious) suggestion: drop the explanations. Apologize without a rationale for why you did what you did. In my case, I’ve literally had to bite my tongue at times to stop me from wanting to provide reasons or context or why the situation isn’t one-sided, etc., etc.
• Don’t apologize if you’re not ready – it could come across as shallow and insincere
• Listen deeply. Ask the person you’ve affected to tell you more about how your actions affected them, if they’re willing to talk (and respect their choice not to, too). Aim at understanding their perspective even if you think it’s not accurate or only partially accurate. It’s actually accurate for them
• Lean in with empathy – See if you can discern the essence of what they are saying and reflect it back, to confirm understanding. Let them correct you if you don’t. If empathy is hard, see if you can remember a time when you experienced something similar to what the other person is experiencing
• Don’t go for cheap shots like “I’m sorry you’re such a jerk,” or less bad, but still bad “I’m sorry you feel that way” which sounds like empathy on the surface, but deflects any contribution you may have made to the situation
• Don’t expect your apology to be accepted – this just makes it seem conditional and less wholehearted
• Consider an old-fashioned alternative: an apology note. Writing can be valuable because when we’re forming our words we’re not in the presence of someone else which can increase honesty, reduce defensiveness and potentially increase our words’ positive impact
• Facing our feelings about the impact of our actions can be painful but it can also be liberating. We’re telling ourselves that we can be present with difficult emotions and there is strength in that
• Take care of the part of you that may still feel justified in doing what you did – most of the time we’re not coming from a bad place. We’re not bad people! We just don’t need to share these truths with the person we’re apologizing to
• Have patience and kindness for oneself in this process. This emotional work is not easy to do!