Maybe it’s the Gen Xer in me, but I seem to have a larger bandwidth for awkward than some younger folks. Well, on second thought, maybe my tolerance for awkwardness has more to do with my neurodivergence than anything else. Or maybe it’s a mix of both. Sigh.

What do I mean when I say awkward? With a a history of being the weird kid, and an adult that has let her freak flag fly on more occasions than my counselling demeanour might suggest, I guess this question is somewhat relative.

But I can tell you what I think awkward means and how it may be relevant to personal growth, but that’s just my opinion.

I like Oxford Languages’ simple definition of awkward: “causing difficulty or hard to deal with.” Oxford then goes on to offer a related definition of “causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience.”

I think both of these variations have something to offer and I would also suggest that in some situations, awkwardness can also point to that which differs from the status quo—however this difference may only be problematic for those who value the status quo.

How Can Awkwardness Show Up?

Social Embarrassment – Many of us avoid awkwardness, as a awkward dynamic can both be difficult and embarrassing. We may avoid refusing a friend who has invited themselves over, even if we’re already busy, because this would seem to feel too confrontational. In another situation, we might avoid giving our opinion, when asked, about another’s outfit, because being truthful could be interpreted as rude.

Conflict Avoidance – Awkwardness may also be related to another form of avoidance; difficulty with conflict. For example, something has arisen in a relationship, but how does one bring it up? What if the other person gets angry? Or hurt? Or….?

Shame Avoidance – Avoidance of awkwardness may also be a method for warding off shame. There are times that we know, deep down, that we have misstepped but cannot bear to be called out on it, and we convince ourselves that a conversation will make it worse. Unfortunately this sometimes has the effect of increasing confusion or worsening pain for others (or even ourselves).

Age Related? Awkwardness may also be age-related, or “developmental.” When I was younger, I remember how mortified I used to feel by seemingly the smallest things. For example, I recall being 20 years old and attending a Crispin Hellion Glover concert, when someone sitting next to me asked me “what is your favourite work in his cannon?” I hadn’t a clue what “a cannon” was in this context and I could feel my face turning beet red. Current me just asks someone if I don’t know what a word means, and current me is rarely fazed by pretentious people. I think I’ve matured a bit 🙂

Generational – There can be variations in how generations tackle difficult conversations or situations. Do we care if things get awkward or would we prefer they didn’t? Or do we all feel awkwardness in the same way (intergenerationally, intragenerationally)?

Cultural – What is awkward in one culture may not be in another. And cross-culturally, things may get complicated.

What are the mental health effects of awkwardness?

If awkwardness is showing up problematically, consequences may include:

• Important things may not get addressed.
• You may find yourself in situations that don’t work for you.
• Others can be negatively affected.
• Old habits, like people pleasing, may continue.
• You may avoid challenging opportunities that promote personal growth.

Awkwardness may not necessarily be problematic. You may:

• Love weirdness and embrace awkwardness as part of the weird.
• Recognize that sometimes awkwardness is necessary, such as in contexts like advocacy or social justice work, where ideas are being challenged.
• You may be of the mindset of leaning into your emotions—including awkwardness—as a way of increasing your general tolerance of difficult emotions
• Awkwardness may become a point of self-reflection and learning – what is this trying to tell me about myself?
• Awkwardness may help you not take yourself too seriously and promote laughter.
• Awkwardness can be humbling and helpful for letting go of pride, or ego.

Another Side

But as much as I am often on the side of embracing awkward and proceed anyway, this isn’t always the best course of action. Sometimes we want to reduce awkwardness for the benefit of others, in a way that shouldn’t be confused with people pleasing. For example, we may want to be a host who takes care of their guests, or we may issue a warning to a friend to help them avoid unnecessary embarrassment. Avoidance of awkwardness can come from a position of care.

The End

I’ve been staring at my computer for a while trying to find a nifty conclusion to wrap all of this up. And it seems like I can’t. So, I’m just going to let myself be awkward.