It came to my attention recently that some people have a fear of being annoying to their therapist and that this fear may even stop them from seeking therapy. This caused me pause because I have had excellent therapists over the years who have never judged me (to my knowledge), and because I don’t perceive my clients as annoying, preferring to welcome people just as they are. But the idea that people might not go to therapy because of a fear of being annoying made me feel sad and I wondered whether we could clear up this fear?

What is Meant by Annoying?

Call me old-fashioned (or maybe just plain ‘ol neurodivergent) but I often turn to the dictionary as a starting point for exploring emotions or other more nebulous experiences. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines annoying as “causing vexation or irritation” and the Cambridge dictionary says something similar: “making you feel slightly angry.”

Extrapolating on these definitions from a therapist lens, I note some possible underlying issues:

• The fear of being evaluated by someone in a position of power
• The fear of being rejected when one is vulnerable and seeking help
• A sense of loss of control: how will the therapist see me?
• Self-consciousness: how does being perceived affect my experience in therapy?
• A sense of uncertainty going into the counselling experience
• Worry that the therapist is not a good fit, or worse, will think I’m an unsuitable candidate for counselling
• Underlying fears about one’s character and worth
• A sense of “high stakes” or internal pressure, particularly if we feel like we’ve burned out previous friends with our concerns and what if we burn out the therapist too or they trivialize my concerns?
• Deeper underlying concerns

While concerns like these may never materialize—and usually are just fears and not therapist judgement—they are visceral and and not trivial, and as such, worth exploring. And while I like to think that most therapists choose counselling as a profession because of sincere intentions to help, sometimes things do go wrong in therapy which can be hard, if not impossible to repair.

In examining possible fears, it’s important to note that not everyone has these fears or may have a fear I haven’t listed.

Fear of Evaluation by The Therapist

Therapists, in my opinion, don’t acknowledge it enough that we are in a position of power and trust. For some counsellors, it may seem antithetical to reflect on this when we’re trying to cultivate an environment of emotional safety, collaboration, or client-centred care. But failure to see this within ourselves is a mistake, and it risks gaslighting a client’s concerns.

The way I’m writing about this may give the impression that therapists are judging or evaluating clients at exponential rates. I really don’t think that this is the case! Mostly, we’re just trying to better understand you and your situation so that you feel understood and so that we may be able to offer an approach that is tailored to you, your needs and your goals. But this assessment process is not equivalent to therapist judgement or condemnation.

Ideas for Action:

• Therapists benefit from regularly self-reflecting on therapeutic power dynamics and their impact on clients. Engaging in one’s own therapy or seeking clinical supervision can help prevent problems in this area
• Clients may benefit from bringing up the fear of therapist evaluation with their therapists, although this may take time to feel safe enough doing so

Fear of Rejection When Seeking Help

It takes a lot of courage to seek help in the first place. Connecting with a counsellor can sometimes be many years in the making or conversely counselling may be initiated during a time of crisis. If we’re starting therapy at a very low moment, we may feel particularly vulnerable: what if we’re rejected right when we’re seeking help?

And then pile on top of this: what if we have a history of being rejected or being perceived as annoying? What if we feel this from the counsellor too?

Ideas for Action:

• Just because a therapist may counsel regularly and become habituated to their work, they should never lose sight of how difficult taking the step to start therapy can be for clients. Asking clients about their decision to seek therapy not only honours clients’ experiences, but serves as an important reminder about the strength involved in this decision.
• Clients can decrease vulnerability by booking free consultations with several counsellors to help improve choice and compatibility before staring therapy.

Loss of Control

As much as we may want to feel a sense of control in so much of life, we can’t control what others think of us. It’s a fact that I’ve struggled with all my life. There’s nothing sinister about this: being liked and respected makes us feel more emotionally safe. However, we might try to “take control” by trying to become the “ideal therapy client,” but this doesn’t really benefit us because we can’t bring the vulnerability or trust we need to make more significant therapeutic changes.

Ideas for Action:

• As much as I could take a clichéd therapist shortcut and urge you all to become comfortable with uncertainty around judgement, this worry may still feel pretty hard to let go of. Writing these fears down or journalling about them can help us be more conscious when these fears are arising and help facilitate emotional release.
• Bringing this topic up with your therapist may seem too anxiety-provoking, but should not be ruled out as an option, particularly if you feel increasing trust in your relationship with your counsellor.

Being Perceived in Therapy

We may wonder: if I come across as annoying to my therapist, how will I benefit from therapy? If this is truly occurring—if your therapist is definitely judging you in this way—yes your experience in therapy will be affected! Therapist judgement may be because they are rigidly adhering to their point of view or their recommendations. As a result, you may find yourself in an emotional power struggle about the direction of therapy and your participation.

Ideas for Action:

• When a therapeutic struggle can be determined, this typically comes down to poor therapeutic fit. If efforts to discuss your concerns with the counsellor are unfruitful, changing therapists to someone more compatible is usually the next logical step.
• For those of us who have had pervasive life experiences around the fear of being perceived, such fears could arise with other therapists too, so there may be a call to bring this up as a concern in therapy and see whether discussing this with the therapist helps.

Uncertainty

Fearing being annoying can reflect a fear of uncertainty: how is this session going to go? Will I be liked by the therapist? Managing ambiguity is one of the most difficult challenges in life, no matter what the setting, and when emotional stakes are higher, it adds an extra layer of challenge.

Ideas for Action:

For years counselling was shrouded in mystery, which was the reason I started writing articles about psychotherapy in the first place. The general level of social secrecy around the counselling process in the 2000s and before, bugged the heck out of me. Starting counselling is nerve-wracking for many of us.

• Counsellors can answer questions beforehand or provide information that can help orient and ground, through their websites and consent forms?
• Booking a preliminary consultation can help answer questions and give clients a sense of the counsellor before an official session takes place.

Therapeutic Fit

I’ve referenced therapeutic fit, above, but perhaps it’s worth just plainly saying that sometimes the fit is just wrong, and our fears are based in reality:  it’s the wrong combination of client and counsellor. Counsellors, just as clients, are people too and not all counsellors can be the right fit for all clients. And because fit is critical to therapeutic success, it should not be overlooked.

Ideas for Action:

• While sometimes we need to find a therapist quickly, if the opportunity arises, take some time to research therapists, looking at profiles of counsellors who give you a good gut instinct. It’s also important to recognize that if you haven’t jived with the counsellor you’ve started with, then it’s not a moral failing on your part. Would you work better with someone else?
• Therapists should also be reflecting on fit during initial consultations: if counsellors are getting the sense that clients may work best with a different therapist, there may be an ethical imperative to refer them to someone who could better meet their needs.  This is about letting go of ego for client’s benefit and starting a conversation to get the client’s perspective.

Pressure

We may come to the therapy space after being given the feedback that our friends or family members find our concerns “too much,” which can instil the fear that we may be “too much” for our therapist too. And then who would we turn to next if even a therapist is feeling annoyed by us? What if this is our “last chance” to change?

Ideas for Action:

• If at all possible, these concerns are important to raise with the counsellor so that client and therapist can explore these fears and come up with ways of feeling more comfortable in counselling and moving forward.
• While I believe that most people can find the right counsellor for them, it’s important to note that counselling is not for everyone and there are many other valid ways of learning and growing as humans. Sometimes it’s a matter of timing too: counselling might not be the right timing currently but may be in the future.

Other Related Concerns

Sometimes the fear of being annoying is more to do with other related issues that are raw or unhealed within us, such as low-self worth, a lack of self-confidence, feeling “not enough” or “too much.” If these underlying issues can be identified and worked on in therapy in a meaningful way, the fear of being annoying may actually not be a concern anymore.