I’ve seen a lot of unnecessary awkwardness over the years about being late for a counselling appointment. Clients often feel bad about being late for counselling and then the counsellor feels bad for the client for feeling bad.

Is it better just to show up late than not at all? Is it better to email, phone or text ahead? Should you apologize for being late? Act like it hasn’t happened? What do counsellors prefer and how can counsellors best support clients who are running late? It can be hard to know what to do!

I like to write about boring topics and for those who are always running on time, this article will be a snoozer. But if I can dispel just a little bit of awkwardness about this topic, I’ll be pleased!

Surprisingly, there are a number of reasons for why running late for a therapy session could be more complex than in seems on the surface. Let’s look at some possible contributors and their possible solutions.

The Big Deal of Therapy

I truly believe that at its best, engagement in therapy is a humanistic act: an intentional space for deep and meaningful conversation within an ‘envelope’ of respect and radical acceptance. And no matter how supportive the experience, significant fear can arise in such focused conversation: we may wonder if we are up to it and we may delay getting ready beforehand.

Or, we may spend so much time in emotional preparation that we run out of time for actually getting to our appointment, particularly if it’s in-person!

Possible Solutions:

Acknowledge to yourself that participating in therapy is a courageous act! In therapy, we may explore thoughts and feelings that we may not express anywhere else. Just showing up is a big deal. If you’re particularly fearful, let your counsellor know at the start of the session so that they can best support you.

Circumstances Outside of Our Control

Life happens! Any number of things could occur that would make it difficult to get to either an in-person appointment or a virtual session. This can include things like unexpected roadwork delays, weather-related problems, sudden, severe illness, an unexpected problem at work, a last-minute crisis at home or other un-anticipiaable reasons.

Possible Solutions:

Send your counsellor a message to let them know what’s going on so that your counsellor knows that you are on your way (if getting there is possible) and that haven’t forgotten. With some counsellors you will need to await further instructions if they have a lateness policy which limits when you can arrive before the session is forfeited. Also, if you’re scheduled for in-person, is it possible to switch to a phone or video session instead? Don’t be shy about asking!

Circumstances Inside of Our Control

This may be related to situations like packing in more activities that we think we can manage before our session (but realistically, can’t), losing track of time, inadvertently sleeping in, or struggling to enforce personal boundaries that, if not enforced, do not allow for enough prep time to get to an appointment.

We may also think or express to our therapist “it’s my fault” believing that we’re taking responsibility by making such a statement. But often this apology has more to do with self-blame or over-apologizing, which then compounds the stress of being late.

Possible Solutions:

The best way of taking responsibility is to face the situation by communicating with your counsellor about your lateness. If you’re running extremely late, is there another situation, such a switching to virtual or making the best use of the time you have left with an ultra-focused counselling appointment?

Sometimes it’s not realistic to actually get to the appointment; it’s standard for counsellors to have a policy around being compensated for the time that they have set aside for your session, whether you have attended or not, as they’re not able to book anyone else during this time. It can feel frustrating to have to pay these fees (I’ve been there as a client, myself!) but it can be a consequence that helps us in our preparation next time around.

When Neurotypes Are Not Wired for Time Management

This can include things like time blindness that can be part of ADHD or an appointment being a ‘demand’ that we are not able to respond to, as is often seen in demand avoidance or PDA.

Possible Solutions:

If you know that you have a brain that struggles with lateness, particularly if you have a neurodivergent brain, I recommend choosing a neurodivergent-affirming therapist with whom you can work on a plan, proactively. This plan should also include how you want communication to flow with your therapist if, despite your efforts, you are running behind.

Other strategies can include timing yourself doing your getting-ready routine on a non-appointment day so that you can budget this much time— plus a little extra of a buffer—for getting ready for your next appointment. Another idea is to use a visual timer [note: affiliate link] to give immediate visual feedback about how much getting ready time you have left.

When Loved Ones Don’t Support You Attending Therapy

When we don’t feel supported in our therapy we may feel a sense of ambivalence attending therapy – for example, we may want to attend, but feel torn. We may ask ourselves if attending counselling will cause more tension in the relationship? Will I face my loved one’s judgement when I get home from a session? Should I be keeping my sessions secret? Struggles like this can delay us getting to counselling on time!

Possible Solutions:

A natural place to start is to attempt to approach your loved one about their concerns. What are they and what makes them concerned about you attending counselling? There could be a number of reasons such as lack of experience/understanding about counselling and how it works, cultural concerns, stigma, previous bad experiences with therapists or more. Perhaps you may even think that they themselves would benefit from counselling but they’re not interested.

After feeling heard, is your loved one open to hearing how therapy has helped you?

If such a conversation proves to be unproductive, you may wish to bring up these concerns with your counsellor and develop a strategy for addressing this issue. Sometimes, too, this ‘counselling conflict’ can also be related to deeper unresolved issues in your relationship that could benefit from therapeutic support or, in some cases, a sign that you may be in a controlling relationship where greater help for you is needed.

When A Trauma History Prompts The Need for More Control

Sometimes being on time for an appointment feels too controlling when we’ve had a lifetime history of a lack of control or of being malevolently controlled by others.

Possible Solutions:

Choose a therapist who is trauma-informed and ideally, have a conversation beforehand about how to strategize this situation. Or, if you’re in therapy and this is a chronic issue, raise this with your therapist, if your therapist hasn’t brought it up with you already. I also recommend that you don’t beat yourself up about it, as the lateness is coming from a very understandable place!

Related Issues that Exacerbate Our Stress When We’re Late

It’s a Financial Investment

Unless you are receiving subsidized counselling, therapy does not come cheap. Some of us experience every minute of lateness as a loss of money, which then ratchets up our stress around being late.

Possible Solution: More time does not always equal ‘more better.’ Being late can be leveraged to an opportunity to focus on what is most important to address in your session, ultimately leading to a more satisfying appointment.

You Don’t Agree With Your Counsellor’s Policies (including the lateness policy)

This is a reminder to fully review your counsellors policies and procedures before you start therapy. If you don’t agree with their policies, ask for a discovery call with the therapist to find out more about why these policies exist. If you’re still not satisfied, don’t proceed with this counsellor! Instead, choose another therapist whose policies you can agree with.

History of Self-Blame and Self-Shame

If you have a history of beating yourself up, adding this practice to your lateness situation only muddies things unnecessarily, causing you extra stress around your late arrival.  Possible Solution: If you’re preoccupied with guilt, shame and blame, bring it up with your counsellor! I’m really struggling with these emotions…can we talk about them? This is far more productive than just concluding that you are a “bad person.”

In Conclusion

Being late can be a stressful experience but it doesn’t have to be. Communicating with your therapist about your situation, making focused use of your remaining session time and letting go of self-shaming are important steps in steering the situation to a more peaceful and productive place.